I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
