I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
