Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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