he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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