"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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