my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
