party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
this just has baby written all over it
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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