it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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