i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
