she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
