Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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