I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
