2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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