im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
