After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
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