You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
