I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize
