I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Houston, we have a squirter
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
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