just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
