"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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