The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I queefed so loud it echoed.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
