My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
