You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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