There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
