I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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