True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
they need to just BURY HIM!
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
