We named our party play list daddy issues
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
