I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
