its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
