Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
We had sex on a dog bed..
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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