i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize