I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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