I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
