you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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