sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Randomize
