Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
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