I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
