I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
