My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
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