my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
