im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I licked your asshole in confidence.
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