WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
When did angry sex become our thing?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
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