Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Randomize
