Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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