Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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