I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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