is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
