If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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