you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Life without a bra equals bliss.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
