my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize