paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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