i was born a porn star she said
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
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