I feel like abortions should bother me more
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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