I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
