How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
