Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
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