i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
